What is the difference between a kink and a fetish?
Sometimes even the most seasoned sex educators don't always fully understand what the term "kink" implies in context. Is it the same as a fetish? How do you find yours? Or maybe you don't have to? Lisa Moroz, a sex therapist, joins us to explain.
What is kink?
In the classical meaning, it is sexual behavior that does not fall within the 'conventional' understanding of sex. Because "conventional" sex is still considered penis-vaginal intercourse. Oral and anal techniques can be considered a kink for some people. If your intimate life already contains all of them, perhaps your kink could be binding, whipping, threesomes, or even sex in public.
How is this not simply a fetish?
Isn’t this just a fetish? No, not quite. A kink is considered more a turn-on, for example, if you get turned on by touching and kissing your partner's feet. A fetish is an obsession. When you look at feet, you get into a sexual trance, and sex for you involves any interaction with them. If a person feels bad about having a fetish, a psychiatrist or a sex therapist can be helpful. Kinks, on the other hand, tend to be less problematic.
Additionally, any exciting action or item can now be categorized as a kink. Though it would be incorrect to claim that about a fetish. Fetishism also exists when a person cannot envision having sex without an item or a part of their body that is not often viewed as sexual, such as their hands or shoes.
However, we also think that the two ideas are practically interchangeable, so you should be careful to ask your sexual partners how devoted they are to a certain feature or method. In case you prefer not to perform the foot-job each time you meet.
Back in high school, when my boyfriend told me he was going out with his female friend, I had my first mixed feelings of envy and excitement
How to find your kink: learn the experience of enthusiasts
"My kinks are a mix of different BDSM techniques and daddy/baby role-play. I unintentionally came across them while dating my girlfriend. I had to care for her, because of our age difference, which was different from the typical care you show in a relationship. And it turned into a "Daddy and Baby" game. Also, I once impulsively tied her up with whatever was nearby when we were experimenting in bed. Later, it evolved into serious bondage and shibari play."
"The fact that my partner occasionally has mistresses turns me on. I also absolutely adore having sex in public places. I enjoy being rough and even sadomasochistic in bed. I haven't deliberately looked for my kinks or focused on them. I simply lived, loved, had sex, and engaged in sexual activities that interested me. Some things didn't stick with me, while others did."
"Lesbian sex is what turns me on. Visualizing it, watching the videos, and having sex with women. The first time I saw lesbian porn, I realized how hot it was. I then made the decision to give it a shot. In essence, that's how I discovered I was bisexual."
"I like having sex in public. When I began attending sex parties, I became aware of this. I enjoy it when people look at my partner and me, especially when someone approaches and remarks on how beautiful it was. I also enjoy licking and caressing women's legs. I tried it once with a girl, and it worked really well for both of us, so I continue to enjoy this kink of mine."
"My partner's stories about having sex with his ex-girlfriends turn me on. I ask him to fantasize about having sex with girls he likes and tell me about it. I enjoy fantasizing about him, for example, flirting with a work colleague. I get turned on by jealousy. But only if I am certain that my partner won't see anyone else and that everything is just a daydream. Later, I began asking my BFs about their prior relationships. And we've always had fantastic sex after."
The most popular kinks, according to Lisa Moroz's survey
- Forced roleplay
- Dirty talk
- Sex in front of a mirror
How to find a kink 'scientifically'
- Experimenting. There is a chance that practices won't suit you. However, the only way to determine if they are suitable for you is by trying. Even when something doesn't go as planned, it still counts as a learning experience.
Be mindful of active consent, resistance, and fundamental safety
- Pay attention to how you feel. Asking yourself what you are thinking, how you are feeling,, and how your body is responding will help you develop a simple mindfulness practice. This will not only enable you to discover your new passion but also enhance your standard of living.
- Watch porn. This might serve as motivation for some of your experiments and fantasies. Just don't robotically repeat the tricks. Seek out detailed guidance on how to put the practice you see into practice. Also keep in mind that not everything in porn can be applied in real life.
- Fantasize. Your imagination might store one or more kinks. This does not imply that you should or must achieve them. They are merely dreams. However, you can use them to turn yourself on before having sex, masturbating, or both.
- Go to a sex party. Wax play, flogging, shibari, erotic, and yoni massage are just a few of the kinky activities you can watch and participate in at different spots. You can watch from a distance while keeping your feelings to yourself. And if you enjoy it, use it in your sex or give it a go right then.
- Asking other people about their kinks. I've found a lot of similar-minded people as I've brought up this with subscribers and friends. Some introduced me to things I had no idea about. Talking to others about sex can help you realize that you're not alone in a problem or "weird" interest, and it can also inspire you to learn more about your sexuality.
I don't have kink :( Am I OK?
It might seem like everyone around you has one or more kinks. Not really! Not having any does not mean you're boring or that "extraordinary" practices you've tried should appeal to you. Simply put, you don't enjoy those things. There surely is something that you like: a simple missionary, fast or lazy sex, being on top, blow jobs, or Cunnilingus. If everything is right where it is, there is no need to experiment. Just enjoy yourself while having sex.