15 November 2021

Faking Orgasm: why do we do it?

Valerie Estrina

I can almost guarantee you that every single heterosexual woman has faked an orgasm with a man at least at one point in her sexual history. A lot of us do it often. Some - every single time. In fact, it’s been reported only 65% of heterosexual women actually come during sex, with 67% admitting to faking an orgasm at least once. In contrast, the percentage of heterosexual men orgasming during sex is 95% (according to the Journal of Sex Research and ABC). Do the maths yourself - bedroom inequality in all its glory.

So, yes. There’s a big orgasm gap, and an important conversation to dive in. It’s sad and unnecessary, it’s not something we really like to talk about, it’s deceptive, and might be harmful to both parties. Whether faking it is something women do once or twice or habitually and consistently, with a specific person or with multiple partners - it’s probably not as innocent as we may think, no matter the context. So, why on earth are we moaning when we don’t feel like it? And why are we letting our partners get away with not giving us the pleasure we desire, simultaneously making them think we’re having the time of our lives?

It’s all psychological, I’ll tell you that. As women, most of us are practically raised to be accommodating and please others. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex (but not necessarily). And sex? We might even assign underlying meanings to it, treating it as a part of the game rather than a way to have fun. The sad truth is, a lot of us are having sex for reasons other than intimacy. We’re doing it for male validation, to feel desired, to connect, to prove something, to establish power. And for those raised in conservative environments sex can also represent an act of rebellion - essentially a “fuck you” to society. So, that’s the mentality we grow up with, and it translates into our sex life by us having to deny ourselves pleasure and play into the “partner comes first” dynamic. It would be safe to say connection and fun go out of the window once we approach intimacy from this transactional, dishonest viewpoint. And of course, there is no ego stroke as effective as letting someone know they made you feel good, even if they didn’t. I’ve spoken to multiple women of different ages about this - and realized how common the urge to fake is. 

In most cases, it all stems from the feeling of wanting to please others.

Why faking orgasm is bad - and not beneficial for anyone involved

Dishonesty and good sex don’t go together

Reaching an orgasm is not as simple as just having sex - especially for women. Some need a very particular type of stimulation, others can only feel comfortable in the right environment, setting, with the right person and sexual chemistry, and little seemingly unrelated things like body image and stress all play a significant role, too. So, it’s perfectly understandable why it’s easier to put all of these aside for the sake of having fun. Yet by faking orgasm, you’re ruining chances of connecting with the person you’re having sex with - it’s deception, after all. And once there’s no connection - there’s no fun. Because as soon as you choose to go down that path, you’re on your own. It’s no longer you and the other person - it’s you and your play-pretend. So, it’s absolutely fine if you have trouble orgasming. It’s not fine to pretend you don’t. An orgasm is not always an indicator of good sex – honesty, however, always is.

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You’re subconsciously teaching yourself that your needs come last 

By playing into this little Oscar-worthy moment, it’s almost like we, as women, are telling ourselves “It’s fine, whatever, I’ll get it on with my vibrator afterward in the serenity of my bedroom”. But it’s not whatever. Your pleasure is not ‘whatever’. If sex is something you consider important, yet you’re consistently faking orgasms – you might be having sex for the wrong reasons. No person’s ego is worth sacrificing your pleasure and putting yourself aside just for them to feel good. And especially not being dishonest with yourself about your true desires and needs.

You’re voluntarily disconnecting from your body

This one, perhaps, is the most terrifying consequence – and I experienced it firsthand. If you’re prone to faking and you get good enough, sooner or later you’re going to realize you don’t really know if you’re faking it or not anymore. Your thought process is going to turn into a game you’re playing with yourself. “Am I even turned on right now? Or is it knowing that I’m doing them a favor turning me on? Maybe I’m having fun, maybe I’m not - who knows” – You can see how fucked up that logic is, but that’s exactly how it starts. The lines between your desire to please and your actual pleasure get so blurry, you’re running the risk of losing the ability to “connect” with yourself or tune in with your body in the long run. It’s not worth it!

You're letting other women down. No, seriously.

Okay, so he’s been rubbing you in all the wrong ways and places. Or worse, using his fingers in manual and robotic ways as if he’s looking for a light switch or mining gold. Another standard scenario – not enough foreplay or attention, the guy thinking his dick is magic by default and will make you climax without any additional help or consideration. It’s not brand new information that some men are selfish and uneducated when it comes to female pleasure - and by enabling this, you’re only preventing him from ever learning how to do things right. You’re practically dooming every woman they’re going to have sex with in the future. They’re going to apply the exact same skills to the next one, and the one after her, and so the cycle continues until someone is brave enough to let him know. So much for sisterhood!

So, how do we resolve this more-common-than-it-should-be issue? Quite simply: honesty. 

Tell him and be persistent. If necessary, demonstrate to him how to do things – if he’s willing to learn, he’ll gladly listen to you and will proceed with enthusiasm. If he’s a selfish jerk and disregards this valuable information, then you might be better off finding a new match or spending some time reconnecting with yourself.

And to men – don’t put pressure on women to come. It doesn’t happen every time, and that’s alright. Stop expecting women to be fierce, moan loudly, twist and turn in pleasure, and put on a show - and maybe then we’ll be relaxed enough to actually have fun.

Next time you’re getting it on with someone new, you could boost the likelihood of your success by saying something like ‘Hey, I know some women tend to focus on their partner’s pleasure rather than their own. But I don’t want you to fake anything. Feel free to express what you want and show me what you like, I’m all ears - just guide me through the process. Your pleasure is as important to me as my own.’

No guarantees here, but your chances of having an honest and fun encounter have just increased by at least 69%.

It should also be mentioned that an orgasm is not the main goal of sex for everybody. For some of us, it’s all about the pleasure of intimacy itself. For others, it’s a must. Sometimes we orgasm easily, other times we don't. Whatever your case might be - good communication can do wonders. Let’s put an end to pretending and make honesty great again.

Sincerely, your favorite actresses and people-pleasers.


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