17 August 2021

Looking for a third in our three person tent: Tips for a successful threesome

Lisa Moroz

Sex researcher Lisa Moroz gives tips on how to find a third, have a fun, safe and healthy experience, and prevent STDs without ruining your relationship.

Preparation

Before you invite someone else into your bedroom, there are a few things you might want to consider.

Are you and your partner equally excited by the idea?

It is not uncommon for one partner to have a ménage à trois fantasy that the other doesn’t exactly share. It’s important to check in with your partner before exploring a threesome to make sure that everyone wants to participate with enthusiastic consent.

If you and your partner are both sincerely curious about trying a threesome, go ahead and have fun! But if you’re looking to fix your relationship by adding a third then this might not be the best idea. Remember, you and your partner won’t be the only two in the bedroom. Your guest should feel welcomed, taken care of, and satisfied. Be gracious hosts! The likelihood that your new friend is also looking to be your couples counselor is pretty slim.

If you think you and your partner are ready to explore something new with someone else, establish a few rules for you both to follow, some couples set them together. Discuss fantasies you'd like to fulfill, and try talking through the possibility of awkward situations and how you would get out of them. Group sex often brings its own surprises that you can't prepare for, but talking about it openly will help get rid of some fears should you have to navigate an unexpected situation.

Finding a Third 

There are many places you and your partner can find someone to share a new experience with go to a swingers party, sex party, regular nightclub or bar and you might find your unicorn right there.

That's exactly what happened to Karina and her boyfriend Vadim. They met Alexey at a rave, fancied each other and went home together. "We just felt the spark of chemistry. It was plenty to make us want to try something new. Of course, we made sure Alex wanted to have fun with both of us. And of course we communicated our expectations and asked for his. Everything was exactly as it should be," says Karina.

You can also ask your friends if they know anyone who would like to join you as a third. Or maybe even some of your friends themselves might like the idea of having fun with you.

Vitaly became the third to his best friend and his girlfriend. "It was fun! I'll forever remember the moment my friend and I high-fived each other while his girlfriend was between us - giving me a blowjob while he took her from behind."

Another solid option is to search online - check several dating apps and specialised dating sites. Pure is a perfect place for such an adventure. Depending on the kind of experiences you’re interested in, you can increase your chances by posting ads geared towards different genders from different gendered accounts.

If you're looking for a unicorn on a dating app, it's important to be upfront about what you're looking for. Make sure it's clear from your profile that you're part of a couple. Be honest that you’re looking for a third and specific about the arrangement you prefer (male-female-male, for example). You might also want to include how you and your partner sexually identify: bi, straight, or queer for example. Make your profile and the messages will follow! When you match with someone, make sure they’ve read your ad or profile and that they understand what you’re on the app for. You can send something like: "Hi! My partner and I want to try a threesome. Are you interested?”

Sex blogger Katya Secret says there are many interested men. "In my opinion, almost every other guy dreams of joining a couple. When searching, we had no trouble finding straight men to join us, even when I searched through my partner's (male) profile. Finding a unicorn girl is much harder," Katya is convinced.

Ira, who loves adventurous sex, says she has found some of her best partners on Pure. "Maybe we can do something fun together." But at the same time, she notes that this is the first bisexual man in six months who is open to this kind of adventure.

Unlike straight guys who are willing to join a couple, finding bisexuals is much harder. Sex blogger Olesya says, "I think a lot of bi-guys are afraid to express their preferences, they're afraid of being judged.”

That's why she advises being open about your orientation and being LGBTQ+ positive, so the right person doesn't hesitate to open up to you. Letting your partners know that it’s safe to be vulnerable and honest with you is important. In a world where bisexuality is so often misunderstood and members of the LGBTQ+ community still face so much stigma and hate, building a safe space and protecting that space means a lot.

Choose Wisely

Just because you found someone who is down for a threesome, doesn't mean that you should have a threesome with them.

The best way to get to know your new friend is to meet in a public place, call, video chat, or exchange voice messages. Ira, for example, has a list of questions that help her understand if the person is right for them. Here's what she usually asks:

1) Do you have previous experience with threesomes? What was it like? 
2) What is your preferred threesome arrangement? Do you have a gender preference? 
3) What are you looking to get out of the threesome? 
4) What activities are on the table? What things are off-limits?

"If a guy says he doesn't like male-female-male kind of threesomes because he "won't share his woman with another dude" or "a woman is my property" or anything like that, that's definitely not who I'm looking for. If I spot any sexism, homophobia, or discrepancies between how we see these things, then it's time to say goodbye," Irina comments.

It's worth asking yourself:

would I want to hang out with this person, go for a walk, have a coffee, without sex involved?

If the answer is yes, then it's probably a good fit. Having sex with someone you actually like will make your experience much better.

Safety 

Once you've found the right person for you, it's time to discuss rules and boundaries: how to do it safely, what's acceptable and what's not, how to notify others if you suddenly feel uncomfortable, and so on. It's best to share test results before you start.

But even if all members of the party are clean, don't forget basic protection during sex. Make sure you have condoms, latex wipes for oral sex, antibacterial mouthwash, hand sanitizer, and lubricant readily available.

Active consent is one of the best ways to avoid unpleasant situations. Agree to ask each others’ permission before introducing something new to the dynamic, and check in every so often to see how everyone is doing. Make sure that everyone understands that they can stop or take a break whenever they need or want to.

Karina has a story about a guy who had trouble staying erect because he was nervous about being inexperienced during their threesome.. "We told him it was okay. And we just moved to the kitchen to talk and drink wine. He seemed grateful for our support."

Keep in mind that there are also no strict rules for who has to do what in a threesome. If, for whatever reason, one person would like to sit out for a bit, check in with each other and see if watching might be of interest while the other two keep on. Your threesome is what the three of you make it.

So it's really most beneficial to invite someone you not only feel sexual chemistry with, but also someone you enjoy on a personal level. It will help smooth things over in case something doesn't work out, keep you physically and mentally satisfied, and hopefully, make your group experience more magical.


*Original article was written in Russian


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